Jokes from the old site…
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using bathrooms for years,
canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be
such a simple change for you.
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to
complain about our pets:
- The dog lives here. You don’t.
- If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. - I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
- To you, she’s a dog. To me, she’s an adopted daughter
who is short,hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t
speak clearly. - Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask
for money all the time, are easier to train; usually
come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out
with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink,don’t
worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear
your clothes,don’t need a gazillion dollars for
college, and if they get pregnant,you can sell the
pups.
The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until
you are asleep.
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.”He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minute! s later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cabdriver hit a parked car…
Find out why dogs kill their owners…
golden retreavere
i wold like a biiiiiiiiiig sarving of tallg food please
author: Kai Cable
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION:
Don’t get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB…
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
German Shepherd: I’ll guard the lightbulb while you decide. Back off!
Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid light!
Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
Lab: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
CHOW CHOW: I’m with the malamute. After I take my nap that is!
AKITA: I’m with the chow and malamute! What’s for dinner?
Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it’s mine, ALL mine!!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there.
Hopie: If you let me sleep in the bed tonight I’ll do it.
Tara: What EVER you want Dan, I’ll do it.
Joey: Huh, what? Ooo, look at this over here! Ooo, what’s that? Aw, come look at this thing… Were you talking to m…? Ooo…